Original beginning (with changes in paranthesis.)
 
   The blood. All the blood. (CUT THIS PURPLISH PROSE) Dr. Jerry Connor couldn't take his eyes off it. He stood beside the stretcher (CHANGE TO OPERATING ROOM TABLE) unable to think. The woman that lay in front of him had been in a car accident. (THIS IS TELLING THAT SHE WAS IN ACCIDENT. SHOW IT BY DESCRIBING HER ON THE TABLE)  Her entire body was a crimson shroud. Bone protruded from the skin on her thigh. (MOVE THIS UP AFTER "eyes off it" AND ADD "accident victim's TO thigh) Half of her scalp had been torn off, leaving her with a grizzly mohawk. (CHANGE half TO parts SO MOHAWK LINE IS CORRECT IMAGE) Her left arm had been severed at the elbow. (CUT THIS LINE. WE GET THE POINT; SHE WAS MANGLED) She had just arrived by ambulance at Cocoa Beach General Hospital. (WHERE ELSE WOULD SHE BE? CHOP IT) Dr. Connor knew that she had only moments to live and yet he was unable to function to try and save her. (TELLING AGAIN! CHOP IT!) He just stood there as the past reached up from the table and grabbed him by the throat. With a start, Connor realized what the date was, five years peeled away like a layer of dead skin. He could hear the voices in his mind. His voice. The voices of Harmon Foster and the man, Cambridge.
  "Are you sure we should do this, Harm?"
  "Shut up and do it. It's our asses in the line if we don't."
  "I'll do it, Doc, if Jerry can't."
  "You need to keep her steady, Walt. Do it now, Jerry!"
  Connor remembered the sound of the car tires squealing. He could smell the acrid scent of burnt rubber as the Buick tore down the highway. (CUT AND COMBINE THE TWO SENTENCES.)
  The memories pummeled him as they rushed in from all corners of his mind. (CUT THIS AND CHANGE assault  IN THE NEXT SENTENCE TO disturbing memories) He turned away from the assault, knocking over tray of surgical tools, which clattered noisily to the floor. (CUT noisily OF COURSE IT WAS NOISY, DUMB ASS, IT WAS METAL HITTING FLOOR)  
  “Are you all right?” nurse Leanne Nichols asked, startled by the abrupt explosion of plinking metal. (CHANGE LINE TO CHARACTERIZE THE NURSE MORE AND THEN CUT startled by - plinking metal) 
  Connor turned to her, "What?"
  CHANGE TO REFLECT ABOVE CHANGES. "I said are you okay?"
  Connor stared blankly at her as the present slowly came back into focus. (CUT FROM As the present - focus.) He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "Yes, get me two units whole blood and start her on..."
  Nichols interrupted him. (WE KNOW SHE IS INTERRUPTING HIM. CUT IT.) "But, Dr. Connor…
  "Nurse, get that blood, fast." Connor knew had to work fast to save the girl. (NO SHIT. CUT THIS SENTENCE)
  "But, Doctor," said Leane, her face a mask of puzzlement, "she's dead." A MASK OF PUZZLEMENT? YECH! CUT IT)
  "What?" asked Connor not comprehending. (WE KNOW HE'S NOT COMPREHENDING. CUT IT)
  "She's gone. She died on the way in. There was nothing we could do. Don't you remember?" (CUT Don't you remember? IT'S OBVIOUS HE DOESN'T) She looked at him strangely and judged by the expression on his face that something was wrong with him. (WE KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG! CUT THAT LAST SENTENCE) He stared down at the corpse of the woman with a sick look on his face.
  "Doctor, you look ill." (ARGH! YOU JUST SAID HE HAD A SICK LOOK ON HIS FACE> CUT BOTH LINES)
  Connor didn't hear her. (CUT didn't hear her) Couldn't hear her. (CUT THIS) His mind was completely absorbed in the attempt to register what his eyes were telling him. His mouth dried up like a drop of water on a hot car hood. (CUT SIMILE)
  "Doctor?"
  Connor just stood there gazing into the yellow eyes of the dead woman.
  She was smiling at him. He felt his stomach crawl as the woman opened her mouth and croaked, "Happy anniversary."

NOW READ THE REVISED VERSION AND SEE HOW MUCH BETTER IT FLOWS.

  Dr. Jerry Connor couldn't take his eyes off all the blood. A shank of bone protruded from the accident victim's thigh. Parts of her scalp had been torn off, leaving her with a grizzly mohawk. He stood beside the operating table unable to think of what to do next as the past reached up from the table and grabbed him by the throat. With a start, Connor realized what the date was. Five years peeled away like a layer of dead skin. He could hear the voices in his mind. His voice. The voices of Harmon Foster and the man, Cambridge.  
  "Are you sure we should do this, Harm?"
  "Shut up and do it. It's our butts on the line if we don't."
  "I'll do it, Doc, if Jerry can't."
  "You need to keep her steady, Walt. Do it now, Jerry!"
  Connor remembered the sound of the car tires squealing and the acrid scent of burnt rubber as the Buick tore down the highway.
  He turned away from the disturbing memories that pummeled him, knocking over a tray of surgical tools. 
  “Holy crap, that could wake the dead,” Nurse Leanne Nichols said.
  Connor turned to her, "What?"
  She grinned and shrugged. "Sorry, Doctor, just the old ER gallows humor. I watch too much TV."
  Connor stared blankly at her. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "Yes, get me two units whole blood and start her on..."
  "But, Dr. Connor…"
  "Nurse, get that blood, fast."
  "But, Doctor. She's dead."
  "What?"
  "She's gone. She died on the way in. There was nothing we could do." 
  He stared down at the corpse of the woman. His jaw worked but no words came out. His stomach crawled. His mind was completely absorbed in the attempt of registering what his eyes were trying to tell him.
  "Doctor?"
  Connor stood there gazing into the yellow eyes of the dead woman.
  She was smiling at him. She opened her mouth and croaked, "Happy anniversary."

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